12 Days Until Halloween, 2013: GRAVEYARD DISTURBANCE (1987)


I went a little too deeply into the horrific belly of the Deep Net yesterday and I have to say that I came out the other side not a bit interested in sharing another gory movie today.  This respite will pass.  I simply need 24 hours to, you know, clear the mind…

Fortunately, my love of horror films, specifically the loony Italian style, is not the least dependent upon red stuff for requite.  Not when we have GRAVEYARD DISTURBANCE, by Lamberto Bava, to entertain and amaze.  Hardly any blood.  No gore, no nudity, no swearing, but lots of monsters (some in heavy metal t-shirts), zombies, dungeons, mazes, 80s horror movie 20-somethings who act like 9 year olds, wrong turns, terrible dubbing, ghoulish bartenders who have inexplicably red glowing robot eyes, rubber spiders, eyeball monsters, hidden treasure, repetition, inaccurate uses of common words, the coolest van you’ll ever see, phantom carriages, repetition, and…the list of wonderful things goes on and on.  This movie has everything but logic!  Actually, I should be more accurate and say this movie has everything you’ll ever NEED, and logic is one thing you’ll NEVER need while watching an Italian horror movie from the 80s.  All you need to do is go along for the ride with the same absolute suspension of disbelief you had for Scooby-Doo when you were five years old and training for this moment.

I’m a firm believer in the importance of logic and rational skepticism, but I’m also a firm believer in the importance of willed irrationality, and even self delusion, in the right situations.  You could interpret the story that unfolds in GRAVEYARD DISTURBANCE as an allegorical justification for this belief.  By the end of this movie you will have all the information you need to understand not only why GRAVEYARD DISTURBANCE is so completely backwards, strange, seemingly amateurish and illogical, but also why this is a common quality in even the more expensive, more celebrated Italian horror films.  The entire argument / explanation is presented allegorically, of course, so you might need to read a lot of Joseph Campbell or something to get what’s going down LOGICALLY, but who cares about that, right?  As I said previously, just turn the brain off.  Use your intuition to get through this one.  Logic won’t save you after death [sic].

Which reminds me: if any of of my friends happen to be reading this and they manage to outlive me, please make sure this movie is shown at my funeral.  Just do it instead of having a service.  Plop the coffin down and open up a movie screen and sit there for an hour and a half watching this movie with my corpse nearby (in zombie make-up).

Don’t wait until my funeral, though.  God knows how long I’m going to last.  Watch it now…




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